The Basics

Another monster migraine is torturing me right now, but I need to do something to distract myself until the pain meds kick in. So I'm going to write out the basics of what I'm recovering from... more details and explanations later, when I'm not in so much physical pain that I'd be happy for the rapture to occur at this very moment.

First, I must emphasize that my mother is amazing. She has done EVERYTHING she could to protect my sister & I, and although it may not be something others can understand, she truly did make every single decision with the very best intentions and out of complete love for Shauna and I.

Shauna is two & a half years younger than I am... she's heading off to college next week! I just turned 22 a couple weeks ago. I have a migraine disorder that means I get a migraine almost every single day of my life. I've got an appointment at Johns Hopkins in October and one at Georgetown University Hospital next month. I'm on several daily meds to prevent & manage pain, and that does NOT include "rescue meds" - painkillers & anti-nausea meds I take as needed. I was supposed to graduate from college this spring but had to stay home all year trying to get better. This is a big part of my life because it affects every single area of my life and it's almost as hard mentally & emotionally as it is physically.

When I was 5, my parents divorced. Shauna, my mom and I moved in with my Grandpa for a few years, which was amazing. During that time my father began emotionally abusing Shauna & I and I found out in high school that he planned our murders. He pushed us away, sometimes physically but usually emotionally. He didn't always use his visitation rights. We wanted so very much to be loved by him and it hurt to be turned away, although I do have some good memories.

My first stepfather was also abusive. That was even more painful, because everyone told me when he married my mother that I was getting a "new daddy" and everything would be okay. I was 9 when they married and 15 when they divorced.

In the summer of 2000, my father took Shauna and I to Mexico. It was a month that ultimately changed our lives and will be something we may never fully recover from in some ways. I will be writing an ENTIRE POST about this as soon as I'm feeling better - probably tomorrow - because it is critical to understanding what happened, how I got to where I am, and why I struggle with certain things.

I had myself admitted to a hospital when I was 15 because I was suicidal and didn't truly want to die, just wanted to escape the pain. That led to outpatient therapy, and I met the therapist I still have today. She is a blessing and I believe God put her in that position in my life for a reason.

When I went to college things were looking up. My mom remarried and my stepdad is AMAZING. He was a pastor, now he's a chaplain at the Sheriff's Office, and is ADOPTING ME!!!!!!!!!!! :-D I am thrilled that I will legally be his daughter and officially have his last name added to mine. More on the adoption later, as that too deserves its own post.

My best friend, Mary, threw me away on January 7, 2008, with no warning and very little explanation. It was completely unexpected and I struggle with it every day... there is literally not a moment that goes by that I don't think of her. Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes just hurt, always confused and overwhelmed and just devastated by it. I have never trusted anyone completely, and she was the first person who broke through the barriers around my heart. It was only weeks after I fully accepted that some people are different that she sent me an email saying she'd never speak to me again, after 2.5 months of her not responding to me at all without telling me why or even that she was actually doing it on purpose - I went from things being fine (in HER words) to "I'm never speaking to you again." Knowing that the person I thought knew me best didn't know me at all... I can't even describe it... it has made me believe that everyone will eventually turn bad. Yet I hold on to her. Sometimes I wish I could hate her because I hate what she did... but I can't. Not only is that against God's Word but I still love her. She rejected & betrayed me in a way no one else ever has, but if she showed up at my door right now, I'd give her a hug, look her in the eye, and tell her how much I love her and that it'll be okay. She was like a sister to me... I saw her as my sister, the way she claimed to see me as hers... but it was all a lie. You cannot go from loving someone that much to throwing them away if that love is real. I couldn't throw Shauna away, no matter what she did, and that's how I feel about Mary. It hurts beyond words to know that her saying she loves me that much was a lie. Like some cruel joke. Mary is heartless, cold, cruel, and cowardly. I will explain more about what happened in a future post as well - it definitely needs its own post.

I am proud to say that I have been clean from self-injury (SI) for 7 months & 8 days - my last cut was hours before I got Mary's "I'm throwing you away" email. I am VERY OPEN about my personal struggles and the battles I fight to overcome them, sharing very personal details is something I choose to do because I want to be real, want to be who I really am rather than trying to hide parts of me. Those battles are about things that make me who I am, and sharing them allows others to see parts of me that would otherwise be hidden. I am COMPLETELY open to questions to any of it... I believe in honesty and if you don't see where I've come from, you can't understand the road I'm taking to recover because you don't know where that road started.

Time for some rest - the pain meds are starting to take the edge off the pain and the anti-nausea meds are starting to make it possible for me to put my head down & hopefully fall asleep so I'm not feeling the pain & so the meds can do their job and help me feel better. If anyone reading this ever has questions I'm completely open to those. It will take time for me to explain where this path to healing is starting because it's very complicated, but I will do it. I'm on this path and I've got to follow it... follow it to healing... ultimately following it into the Father's arms.

Therapy...

Today was therapy. Sometime I'm gonna write all about my background on here, mostly so I can tell my friends about this so they can follow along and some of them don't know the full story of what I've been through. Some days, I'll just write about whatever I did that day. Sometimes I'll write about my thoughts. Sometimes I'll go off on rants or post a song that describes what I'm thinking/feeling at the moment. I may go days without posting or post several times in one day. But for today, I'm just going to write about today.

Therapy was so-so. We looked at some of the pictures I took in Europe, which was fun, brought back good memories and had me smiling & telling stories. Then we talked about my family being gone next week as my parents & little sister fly to Florida for her freshman year of college. (Yes, my little sister is going to COLLEGE!) I'm a nervous wreck - about them flying, about me not having anyone here if my physical diseases get worse or I have more bad reactions to one of my many meds, about having to cook all my meals when sometimes I can't even get out of bed... it's scary. And we talked about Mary, too... about our next step, allowing me to seek some sort of closure when really my "best friend" has left me with nothing but questions. And pain, confusion, devastation, fear... the list goes on.

So today I'm at the store looking for something my mom needs. And they have music playing on the speakers, so while I'm looking through clothing racks, the song Because of You comes on. Although the context is different, some of the words fit PERFECTLY. Whenever I heard that song before, I thought of my father... especially because that DOES fit the context... but now, it's Mary.

The best friend I lost, the sister who rejected me. The person who took all of the healing & progress I'd made in trusting and completely destroyed it. The person who asked me to trust only to betray me in a way no one ever has.

If Mary knew I was comparing her to the words in this song, I know what she'd say... "You were like that before, you already couldn't trust, you already felt this song applied to you." Well, that was true. Past tense. Because I got on my psych meds, the chemical imbalance got better, and my ability to think rationally returned. It's not perfect, but definitely HUGE progress. And Mary herself talked about it the last time I saw her - about how much of a difference there was, about how she could see the old me coming back.

But right as I learned to trust, she came along and destroyed it.

The hard thing is that I still love her. I miss her so very much and think about her every moment - literally. I try not to, but I can't help it. I don't even know what happened... why... what made her believe these lies... how she can say it's a sacrifice to follow God while COMPLETELY ignoring His instructions for dealing with conflict, forgiveness, and love. All humans are fallen, all will sin, and ALL are hypocrites at times... but I've never seen a bigger hypocrite than Mary.

And you know what's really bad? She's blind. She doesn't see it - maybe by choice, I don't know. She chooses Satan and hands him victory... she is married to a pastor who would be fired in a second for his behavior in the church I go to, with the things he said & way he handled it. And being in a church in that position, she has the potential to do such serious damage.

Mary is involved with pushing a few people I know AWAY from Jesus. I tried to convince them otherwise but when they saw what she wrote, saw what she put me through during the 2.5 months she dragged it out, and heard promises only for her to break them & deny breaking them on top of that, they couldn't help but say, "I do NOT want to be like her. And if Jesus is part of her rejecting you, I don't want Him either." I felt so horrible for ever letting them see any of what she wrote or telling them the truth about what happened during those 2.5 months (hearing nothing, trying everything, begging for answers or any sign whatsoever she even knew I existed) because it led them away from Christ. Ultimately THEY are responsible for their faith... although Mary twisted my words & said I was blaming her for my faith weakening when I simply told her that her saying she loves Jesus makes me want to be away from Him because I don't want to be like her, I wasn't saying my faith is her responsibility... what I AM saying is that she is contributing in a very negative way. Ultimate responsibility isn't hers... but "representing Christ" the way she is has caused so much damage.

If Mary is what a Christian looks like, I don't want to be a part of it. I am, because my Savior is so much bigger than her, but it's so much harder because although I used to admire Mary and look up to her, if someone tells me I'm like her in one way or another, I no longer see it as a compliment - I IMMEDIATELY want to change whatever it is. Because Mary is the cruelest person I know.

Crueler than the man who abused me for 11 years, who kidnapped me, who messed so much up and stole my childhood from me. Mary is crueler than even him.

And yet I still love her.

I hate loving her. I hate wanting my sister back. I hate wanting to know how she is, wanting to keep fighting Diabetes just for her, wanting to see her or be there when I KNOW she's having a hard time at certain times, wanting to know she still knows I'd be there for her in a second if she needed me to be. She wrote in my journal (that I can no longer use as it's too painful, which is SO hard because Shauna used her birthday money to buy it for me) that she knew I'd always be there for her no matter what. I want her to have that confidence & reassurance.

Because it's true. It is STILL true.

I've said a lot of bad things about her. Sometimes I regret the way it was said, but I CANNOT regret the messages themselves. This is because I am giving the TRUTH - which Mary calls a lie. She cannot tell me if I was hearing from her or what I was thinking - she wasn't here. Even though she doesn't believe it, the things I said were true. And the terms I used - monster, cruel, cold, heartless, AND cowardly - are all how I see her now. It's hard to explain how I can see her as those things & yet still love her... but it's true.

If she showed up at my door right now, I would wrap my arms around her, hold her tight for a moment, then step back, look her in the eyes and say, "I still love you. I'll never let go." If I can hold on after THIS, I've passed the ultimate test. She won't find another friend like that, especially not one who did as much as I did for her without even being asked, things like leaving notes, presents, doing ADA things, simply because that's how much I love her.

I'm willing to take her back. With definite changes, with compromises on both sides and hard work, but after all of this I fully believe that if that love remains, if it is the one constant, we can make it work.

If only she cared.

Today was huge for me. After serious cleaning/organizing/unpacking on Sunday, and running all over Northern Virginia finding TVs, DVD/VCR players/recorders, cables, etc. yesterday, today I did SO MUCH - all by myself! :-) I went to therapy... went shopping at Best Buy... got one of my meds at Kaiser... went for a surprise visit to Grandma at work and had lunch with her... went to Dress Barn for my mom... went grocery shopping for my parents... and picked up some lunch to take to Shauna. And once I was home, I also took out my trash as well as Shauna's, then I scrubbed our bathroom, and then I did some laundry. Oh, yeah, and I did the dishes.

That is beyond huge for me!!! :-) I'm so sick physically that I literally did more today than I typically do in a week. It was hard, and I'm in extreme pain with a migraine now, but I think it was worth it. I got out, got moving, got things done, and I feel better about myself on the inside.

So that makes me smile... but that smile fades as the memories of the best friend who rejected & betrayed me start to take over again.

The Path Begins...

It's time to heal from all the things that have torn me apart. Time to let the world see who I am inside.

It'll be a hard & bumpy road... but a necessary one.

Let's go.