Confession...

It's nearly 4am, and I can't sleep. There is a bottle of Xanax next to me on my bedside table, prescribed in the aftermath of my uncle's suicide. (I always thought that was something they did in the movies, but it turns out, you actually CAN be so upset you need sedation in real life. Who'da thunk it?) The medication does the job a bit too well, knocking me out for literally full days at a time, so I've only taken it a couple times.

So I lay here, awake with only my thoughts.

It has been 8 days since my uncle fell 22 stories to his death. And you know what I'm feeling?

ANGER.

I confess, I am furious with him. Of course I'm sad, grief-stricken, even in denial. But most of the time, the dominant emotion is anger.

Not at God... at my uncle. God did not take him from us; he removed himself.

Is that messed up or what?!?

I'm angry with him for leaving us. For leaving my Mom to be my Grandma's only caretaker when she can hardly care for herself & us because of her own medical issues. For disappearing from our lives when we needed him most. For not giving a SINGLE CLUE this would happen.

I am TRAINED in suicide prevention. Certified. I KNOW the warning signs. You know how they say hindsight is 20/20? Well, it isn't, not in this case. Even now, knowing what happened, I look back and STILL can't see it. He wasn't depressed, he thought "they" were going to kill him. (Don't ask who "they" is, I wouldn't even know how to try to explain it.) Then, last Tuesday, something happened to make him think "they" were coming after his family - and with his beloved mother, sister, and nieces (my sister & I) in danger in his mind, that was it.

He thought if he died, we would be saved.

I know it sounds crazy, but he really wasn't nuts. It was this one thing that was an obsession... like he was absolutely INSANE when it came to this area, but otherwise, he was totally normal.

So now the local media have picked up on it, and I saw a picture of his covered body on accident. It is the ONLY source of closure I have as far as him being the one who died, because we couldn't have an open-casket funeral. (Try falling 22 stories & see how easily you can be preserved. On second thought, don't, your family will be angry with you even once you're gone.)

On the way to the service, I heard my stepdad (the pastor officiating) and my sister (who planned it all) talking about what they were going to say. I felt left out so asked if I could say a few words. So without a SINGLE PRACTICE, I delivered my first eulogy. I guess it went well, people came up to me the entire time afterward saying so, but after the Olive Garden reception many of them went back to work, about their lives. We went home and almost wished it was we who had been buried that day.

Uncle Ralph, why did you do this? You knew what this would do to Grandma, the burden it would place on Mom, the loneliness she will feel after Grandma passes, and how hard I've fought to advance suicide prevention methods.

Suicide is selfish. There's no way around that.

I attempted it myself, and it may have been the most selfish thing I've ever done. Yet God set an alarm off in me that kept me alive... why not him?

Speechless...

Yesterday, at approximately 9am, my wonderful Uncle jumped from the apartment building my Grandma has lived in since the year I was born (1986). He fell 22 stories to his death.

Suicide.

Out of the blue.

I'm trained in suicide prevention, and NONE of the warning signs were there.

I'm sorry it took until now to post, and I'm not able to write a post with all the details at this moment... I'm on Xanax to help me calm down & relax, as are all but 2 members of my family. I've never experienced grief like this. The closest person to me who has died before was my Grandpa, who helped raised me & who I lived with for several years, but his death took a few years so by the time he passed, we were already in the grieving process.

I promise to update with details as soon as I can. From now until the funeral on Tuesday I'm sure I'll be able to have moments of clarity, and when I do, I'll use them to write more so you can be praying more specifically.

My family & I would appreciate your prayers more than you can imagine. I am humbly coming before you, my sisters & brothers in Christ, and begging for your prayers & support at this time. I can't comprehend it and am LITERALLY waiting to wake up from this.

EMERGENCY - PRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is beyond impossible for me to comprehend, and anyone who believes in the Lord, my family needs your prayers NOW!

We just got a call... from a police officer.

They showed up at my Grandma's apartment, and then called my Mom. The officer won't tell Grandma ANYTHING until my Mom gets there, except that it's about my Uncle. She happens to work for the same police place as this cop, so they ALL know her... and when she demanded information, he said:

"Get here immediately. It's about your brother."

She's literally in shock.

They're speeding over there now...

I'm left at the house alone, shaken, terrified, knowing what the likely outcome is yet praying so hard that, somehow, by some miracle, I'm wrong.

My parents were a cop & a deputy, so they know how notifications go... and this is looking textbook.

PRAY FOR A MIRACLE.

Spread the word.

I'm BEGGING YOU.

PLEASE.