The Basics

Another monster migraine is torturing me right now, but I need to do something to distract myself until the pain meds kick in. So I'm going to write out the basics of what I'm recovering from... more details and explanations later, when I'm not in so much physical pain that I'd be happy for the rapture to occur at this very moment.

First, I must emphasize that my mother is amazing. She has done EVERYTHING she could to protect my sister & I, and although it may not be something others can understand, she truly did make every single decision with the very best intentions and out of complete love for Shauna and I.

Shauna is two & a half years younger than I am... she's heading off to college next week! I just turned 22 a couple weeks ago. I have a migraine disorder that means I get a migraine almost every single day of my life. I've got an appointment at Johns Hopkins in October and one at Georgetown University Hospital next month. I'm on several daily meds to prevent & manage pain, and that does NOT include "rescue meds" - painkillers & anti-nausea meds I take as needed. I was supposed to graduate from college this spring but had to stay home all year trying to get better. This is a big part of my life because it affects every single area of my life and it's almost as hard mentally & emotionally as it is physically.

When I was 5, my parents divorced. Shauna, my mom and I moved in with my Grandpa for a few years, which was amazing. During that time my father began emotionally abusing Shauna & I and I found out in high school that he planned our murders. He pushed us away, sometimes physically but usually emotionally. He didn't always use his visitation rights. We wanted so very much to be loved by him and it hurt to be turned away, although I do have some good memories.

My first stepfather was also abusive. That was even more painful, because everyone told me when he married my mother that I was getting a "new daddy" and everything would be okay. I was 9 when they married and 15 when they divorced.

In the summer of 2000, my father took Shauna and I to Mexico. It was a month that ultimately changed our lives and will be something we may never fully recover from in some ways. I will be writing an ENTIRE POST about this as soon as I'm feeling better - probably tomorrow - because it is critical to understanding what happened, how I got to where I am, and why I struggle with certain things.

I had myself admitted to a hospital when I was 15 because I was suicidal and didn't truly want to die, just wanted to escape the pain. That led to outpatient therapy, and I met the therapist I still have today. She is a blessing and I believe God put her in that position in my life for a reason.

When I went to college things were looking up. My mom remarried and my stepdad is AMAZING. He was a pastor, now he's a chaplain at the Sheriff's Office, and is ADOPTING ME!!!!!!!!!!! :-D I am thrilled that I will legally be his daughter and officially have his last name added to mine. More on the adoption later, as that too deserves its own post.

My best friend, Mary, threw me away on January 7, 2008, with no warning and very little explanation. It was completely unexpected and I struggle with it every day... there is literally not a moment that goes by that I don't think of her. Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes just hurt, always confused and overwhelmed and just devastated by it. I have never trusted anyone completely, and she was the first person who broke through the barriers around my heart. It was only weeks after I fully accepted that some people are different that she sent me an email saying she'd never speak to me again, after 2.5 months of her not responding to me at all without telling me why or even that she was actually doing it on purpose - I went from things being fine (in HER words) to "I'm never speaking to you again." Knowing that the person I thought knew me best didn't know me at all... I can't even describe it... it has made me believe that everyone will eventually turn bad. Yet I hold on to her. Sometimes I wish I could hate her because I hate what she did... but I can't. Not only is that against God's Word but I still love her. She rejected & betrayed me in a way no one else ever has, but if she showed up at my door right now, I'd give her a hug, look her in the eye, and tell her how much I love her and that it'll be okay. She was like a sister to me... I saw her as my sister, the way she claimed to see me as hers... but it was all a lie. You cannot go from loving someone that much to throwing them away if that love is real. I couldn't throw Shauna away, no matter what she did, and that's how I feel about Mary. It hurts beyond words to know that her saying she loves me that much was a lie. Like some cruel joke. Mary is heartless, cold, cruel, and cowardly. I will explain more about what happened in a future post as well - it definitely needs its own post.

I am proud to say that I have been clean from self-injury (SI) for 7 months & 8 days - my last cut was hours before I got Mary's "I'm throwing you away" email. I am VERY OPEN about my personal struggles and the battles I fight to overcome them, sharing very personal details is something I choose to do because I want to be real, want to be who I really am rather than trying to hide parts of me. Those battles are about things that make me who I am, and sharing them allows others to see parts of me that would otherwise be hidden. I am COMPLETELY open to questions to any of it... I believe in honesty and if you don't see where I've come from, you can't understand the road I'm taking to recover because you don't know where that road started.

Time for some rest - the pain meds are starting to take the edge off the pain and the anti-nausea meds are starting to make it possible for me to put my head down & hopefully fall asleep so I'm not feeling the pain & so the meds can do their job and help me feel better. If anyone reading this ever has questions I'm completely open to those. It will take time for me to explain where this path to healing is starting because it's very complicated, but I will do it. I'm on this path and I've got to follow it... follow it to healing... ultimately following it into the Father's arms.