This may be a somewhat controversial post. I will keep the comments option open, but if you disagree with me, please be respectful; as always, I don't mind opposing views as long as they are shared in a mature manner. :-)
I will be 23 in less than two months. And I have never had an alcoholic drink. There was wine at communion as a kid, but I don't really count that. ;-) A couple of weeks ago, I approached my Mom and asked if her & my stepdad might consider allowing me to try a drink. Almost everyone I know who's my age has done this, and done so responsibly... it's mostly a "rite-of-passage" thing for me. I do not smoke and I never will, nor have I ever experimented with drugs and that will never change. But I'd like to be able to have a glass of wine over a nice dinner.
When I approached my parents, I gave them complete authority over this. I told them I'll respect their decision, and I meant it. I laid out my own ground rules: no alcohol in the house under ANY circumstances, and every time I want a drink over a meal (the only circumstance in which I'd have one), it would be only in their presence & I have to ask permission all over again. It would only be when they will be driving and are there to hold me accountable to no more than 1 drink.
My cousin was killed by a drunk driver and I lived with an alcoholic parent for several years... I know the dangers. But I also believe that having the rare drink over a meal can be done responsibly... while also holding to my moral values as a Christian.
Wine is consumed in the Bible by many, including Christ. I do not believe the Bible says "Thou shalt not drink." What it DOES warn about is becoming what we'd call "drunk" - losing control of your actions. There is a fine line which must not be crossed.
My personal view is that as long as I lay out those guidelines and have my parents hold me accountable to them, I can have a glass of wine over dinner. But I also know the importance of submitting to them as my parents, because God not only commands it, He placed them over me in order to guide me in the right path. They haven't made a decision yet, but have told me that they appreciate my coming to them with this... I could have easily gone out & bought some beer and gotten drunk. But I want to be responsible, and I want to submit to them. I live under their roof, and until I'm married, they are my earthly authority (and even after I marry, I must still honor & respect them). My stepsister did NOT handle things this way, and my parents did not appreciate that and it led to many problems.
I'm hesitant to share this, because I do not want to be judged... sometimes Christians are the most judgmental people on earth, unfortunately. But I think it's an important topic and I want to both share my views and hear about yours. It is RELEVANT - when someone reaches my age, this is an issue that will come up, and my parents are very happy with how I've handled it because I'm both being responsible & completely submitting to their authority over me, even though legally I'm old enough to make my own choices & do what I want. Many of you reading this are parents... how would you want your child to handle this at my age? What would your reaction be? If any of you are my age right now, what are your thoughts?
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Surgery Story, Part 5! :-)
Okay, so it took me a few weeks... but now I'll go back & continue the surgery story!
Where was I? Oh, right - brain damage. So I was struggling to put words together, couldn't read, and ANY noise in the background overwhelmed me to the point that I couldn't hold a conversation. For awhile, the nurses all told me I'd be okay - my body had been through MAJOR trauma, my brain had something shoved into it, the levels of CSF (fluid) around my brain were less than a third of what they were when I went into surgery - plus I'd had anesthesia, which will make you out of sorts even when you're NOT having brain surgery.
I was still nervous, but didn't really have any choice but to accept what I was being told.
As the days went by, I was still in the hospital. Two days turned to three, which turned to four. On the fourth morning, I was awakened by nurses frantically messing with my IVs, pushing different pain medications through the tubing & into my body. Apparently, I'd been SCREAMING in my sleep... my roommate hit the "Nurse" button, and they could tell by my face that I was hurting. I was completely doubled over as soon as I woke up... so much so that my face was practically in my lap. Eventually, the meds kicked in & I fell back to sleep. That day, I couldn't eat anything... I was too sick to my stomach... so I got dehydrated. Although there'd been hopes I would go home that day, they couldn't release me when I needed IVs. So another night in the hospital it was.
On the fifth day, I got a fever. This was a sign that my body was fighting some sort of infection, and any infection may have been around my brain which obviously isn't good. I needed some scans to see if the newly-placed shunt was working.
That may sound simple, but it's really not. You have to get several x-rays in different positions to check the tubing running from the top of the skull to your abdomen. Then you have to get a CT scan to check brain swelling & fluid levels and if the shunt is placed correctly. The guy doing the CT scan was an idiot... you know that lead-type thing they put over your pelvic area during x-rays? He DROPPED IT ONTO MY STOMACH. Remember, I had an incision there that was over 4 inches long! I started screaming and it took them putting something in my IV to get me to stop. They also had to put me back on oxygen because when I'm in pain, I don't breathe normally.
Once the scans came back clean, they decided I could go home. It was about time!!! After several hours of talking with doctors, the neurosurgeon, and my parents, we got me all discharged & packed up. They put me in a wheelchair since I couldn't walk still, took me down to the entrance (through no less than 15 minutes of hallways!) and got me into our car.
Let's just say the whole seat belt thing wasn't happening. No way was something pressing on any part of my body! My Mom was driving so slowly but the roads around D.C. aren't that great so I cried most of the drive home. Pain meds at that point did nothing.
When we got home, I somehow managed to get myself cleaned up and my Mom helped me into bed. She got everything I could possibly need set up for me, then told me to rest, gave me my meds, and went downstairs so I could rest.
I woke up a short time later, choking.
When I sat up, startled, wondering how I could choke while sleeping, I saw blood.
EVERYWHERE.
And there was more blood by the second.
As I reached for my phone to call my Mom, everything started to get black... I couldn't feel the phone in my hands... I slowly started to fall back into my pillow...
************
And there the story ends until the next part!
I promise it won't be so long between parts this time. I've had a possible case of Swine Flu and I have been SICK. But I'll probably update again soon cuz I'm pretty bored - the doctors said I can't leave the house without a mask on, and I'm just not that into masks. ;-)
Where was I? Oh, right - brain damage. So I was struggling to put words together, couldn't read, and ANY noise in the background overwhelmed me to the point that I couldn't hold a conversation. For awhile, the nurses all told me I'd be okay - my body had been through MAJOR trauma, my brain had something shoved into it, the levels of CSF (fluid) around my brain were less than a third of what they were when I went into surgery - plus I'd had anesthesia, which will make you out of sorts even when you're NOT having brain surgery.
I was still nervous, but didn't really have any choice but to accept what I was being told.
As the days went by, I was still in the hospital. Two days turned to three, which turned to four. On the fourth morning, I was awakened by nurses frantically messing with my IVs, pushing different pain medications through the tubing & into my body. Apparently, I'd been SCREAMING in my sleep... my roommate hit the "Nurse" button, and they could tell by my face that I was hurting. I was completely doubled over as soon as I woke up... so much so that my face was practically in my lap. Eventually, the meds kicked in & I fell back to sleep. That day, I couldn't eat anything... I was too sick to my stomach... so I got dehydrated. Although there'd been hopes I would go home that day, they couldn't release me when I needed IVs. So another night in the hospital it was.
On the fifth day, I got a fever. This was a sign that my body was fighting some sort of infection, and any infection may have been around my brain which obviously isn't good. I needed some scans to see if the newly-placed shunt was working.
That may sound simple, but it's really not. You have to get several x-rays in different positions to check the tubing running from the top of the skull to your abdomen. Then you have to get a CT scan to check brain swelling & fluid levels and if the shunt is placed correctly. The guy doing the CT scan was an idiot... you know that lead-type thing they put over your pelvic area during x-rays? He DROPPED IT ONTO MY STOMACH. Remember, I had an incision there that was over 4 inches long! I started screaming and it took them putting something in my IV to get me to stop. They also had to put me back on oxygen because when I'm in pain, I don't breathe normally.
Once the scans came back clean, they decided I could go home. It was about time!!! After several hours of talking with doctors, the neurosurgeon, and my parents, we got me all discharged & packed up. They put me in a wheelchair since I couldn't walk still, took me down to the entrance (through no less than 15 minutes of hallways!) and got me into our car.
Let's just say the whole seat belt thing wasn't happening. No way was something pressing on any part of my body! My Mom was driving so slowly but the roads around D.C. aren't that great so I cried most of the drive home. Pain meds at that point did nothing.
When we got home, I somehow managed to get myself cleaned up and my Mom helped me into bed. She got everything I could possibly need set up for me, then told me to rest, gave me my meds, and went downstairs so I could rest.
I woke up a short time later, choking.
When I sat up, startled, wondering how I could choke while sleeping, I saw blood.
EVERYWHERE.
And there was more blood by the second.
As I reached for my phone to call my Mom, everything started to get black... I couldn't feel the phone in my hands... I slowly started to fall back into my pillow...
************
And there the story ends until the next part!
I promise it won't be so long between parts this time. I've had a possible case of Swine Flu and I have been SICK. But I'll probably update again soon cuz I'm pretty bored - the doctors said I can't leave the house without a mask on, and I'm just not that into masks. ;-)
Saturday, May 9, 2009
so sick...
i'm incredibly sick today. i didn't know it could get this much worse. heart disease causing issues (think Stellan/MckMuffin, but less severe as i have a different kind of tachycardia than him) and we're debating on if to go to the doctor or just to the hospital. this wasn't supposed to happen.
please pray for me.
please pray for me.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Why I'll Never Carry A Child
Although right now this blog tends to cover the diseases I'm struggling to overcome, I like to share my heart with whoever will read.
And this issue is something very close to my heart.
Please know that this is not meant in any way to say that I understand the pain of infertility - I'm years out from becoming a parent, and that's IF God heals me.
That said... I do not want to ever carry a child "of my own."
There are the purely physical reasons - with the medications I'm on, it wouldn't be safe, but more importantly, the diseases I have tend to be passed on and I do NOT want my child to suffer the way I do. Obviously anyone can get the things I have, but I see no need to increase the chances that I'll have a child who suffers every moment of their life, that I'll bring a child into the world only to face more pain than most people can imagine.
Then there are the more important reasons. There are over 140 MILLION orphans in the world! And God specifically tells us to care for them. Not "if you want to" or "if you don't want a biological child," but "if you love me, love them." Some people can't adopt - and I'm not one who says everyone should adopt because circumstances are different. But you CAN help in some way.
For me, if I'm physically able to care for them & if I survive this, I want to build my family through adoption.
That's not to say that if God leads me to a husband, and he feels like he MUST have a biological child if at all possible, I won't prayerfully consider that - IN ADDITION to adoption. But right now, the desire isn't there. The desire to eventually have children IS there, but not the desire to give birth to them.
Believe it or not, when I was younger, I thought I could NEVER love an adopted child as much as I'd love a biological child. When my cousin adopted her baby from Guatemala, I loved him as my cousin - that was the beginning of my change of heart. But over time, God has used many people & situations & even blogs to change that completely. Now, I can't imagine NOT wanting to adopt! I'm ashamed of the attitude I held about it for so long and nothing is further from how I feel about adoption now. But most importantly, I've learned that when God brings a child into your heart & into your life through adoption, that child is just as much "your own" as a child you give birth to.
Although I thankfully will never know what it's like to be an orphan as a child - my Mom is the BEST there ever was - I DO know what it's like to feel rejection. My father kidnapped me after abusing me for 11 years... and the abuse was when he was forced to see me at all, he had no desire to most of the time. And although it's important for abuse survivors to be careful in their parenting in order to prevent the cycle of abuse from continuing, I know that my past will make me a BETTER parent - I know what to do & what not to do with kids. When I spent a summer caring for my toddler nephew 24/7, these beliefs were confirmed. I found my weaknesses - I AM easily frustrated - but I also figured out how to effectively deal with them without harming the child. And as much as I love my nephew (more than I can put into words, more than I knew possible), I imagine I'll love my own child even more.
Imagine what an orphan goes through... aside from the abandonment issues, whether they were given up out of love or not:
- nobody to care for them when they're sick
- no one to tuck them in at night
- nobody to celebrate their birthday
- no presents for birthdays or even a card for holidays
- wondering if you'll be warm that night
- wearing clothes that don't fit & are probably literally worn to pieces, passed down from many orphans before you
- never having anything new
- having NOTHING to call your own
- wondering what will happen when you "age out" and are on the streets, alone
- not having anyone to help with your homework or ask how your day was
- having people look at you as potential parents, only to REJECT YOU because you don't fit the picture they have in their head (or feeling that way even if they are being led away from you by God)
- having NOBODY to teach you about the Christian life and hold you accountable to it, helping you in your growth
- not having any pictures of yourself as a baby or your mother when she was pregnant
- sometimes not even knowing our biological parents' names or what they looked like, let alone family history
- not having a family OR unconditional love... can you imagine???
There's a lot more to it than that... these are just some of the things I thought of off the top of my head. Why would I insist on having a biological child when there are so many children who need a loving mother? And not all of those things will go away when a child is adopted... but some of them can be helped, some of the wounds can be healed.
Please understand that I'm not saying it's wrong to want biological children - I'm sure there are many blessings that come with that, and it's special in its own way. As a biological daughter, I love knowing where my blue eyes, blond hair, and light skin came from. I LOVE hearing my Mom tell me about her pregnancy & my birth.
For me, God willing, adoption isn't Plan B - it's Plan A. For now, it's the ONLY plan. I have a love for orphans and that's why I'm majoring in Social Work with plans to go into Child Protective Services (to help kids the way I wished someone would've helped me) and eventually to work in Moscow, Russia with a church that's already told me about a "job" for me there that allows me to work with the orphans there. If God heals me, that's where I want to go, once I'm well enough to finish my last year of college. But whatever the future holds, if I'm healed to the point that I can care for children of my own, I want them to come from somewhere other than my own body.
I don't think I've spoken this candidly about something so personal before. Yes, I've written about my battles with depression, anorexia, self-injury, and my suicide attempt, as well as my past... but I'm so used to talking about it that those things hardly seem personal anymore. I'm extremely open, but this makes me feel rather vulnerable for some reason.
If I've worded any of this in a way that hurts you, please let me know (in a respectful manner) and I'll consider rewording it. I won't apologize for what I've said, but I may apologize for how I've said it if you can point something out - I don't want to hurt people who struggle with wanting a child of their own but not being able to have one. If you can approach me in a mature, respectful way, I'll respond in kind. :-)
If any of you have any questions, I'm open to them... about this or anything else. :-)
And this issue is something very close to my heart.
Please know that this is not meant in any way to say that I understand the pain of infertility - I'm years out from becoming a parent, and that's IF God heals me.
That said... I do not want to ever carry a child "of my own."
There are the purely physical reasons - with the medications I'm on, it wouldn't be safe, but more importantly, the diseases I have tend to be passed on and I do NOT want my child to suffer the way I do. Obviously anyone can get the things I have, but I see no need to increase the chances that I'll have a child who suffers every moment of their life, that I'll bring a child into the world only to face more pain than most people can imagine.
Then there are the more important reasons. There are over 140 MILLION orphans in the world! And God specifically tells us to care for them. Not "if you want to" or "if you don't want a biological child," but "if you love me, love them." Some people can't adopt - and I'm not one who says everyone should adopt because circumstances are different. But you CAN help in some way.
For me, if I'm physically able to care for them & if I survive this, I want to build my family through adoption.
That's not to say that if God leads me to a husband, and he feels like he MUST have a biological child if at all possible, I won't prayerfully consider that - IN ADDITION to adoption. But right now, the desire isn't there. The desire to eventually have children IS there, but not the desire to give birth to them.
Believe it or not, when I was younger, I thought I could NEVER love an adopted child as much as I'd love a biological child. When my cousin adopted her baby from Guatemala, I loved him as my cousin - that was the beginning of my change of heart. But over time, God has used many people & situations & even blogs to change that completely. Now, I can't imagine NOT wanting to adopt! I'm ashamed of the attitude I held about it for so long and nothing is further from how I feel about adoption now. But most importantly, I've learned that when God brings a child into your heart & into your life through adoption, that child is just as much "your own" as a child you give birth to.
Although I thankfully will never know what it's like to be an orphan as a child - my Mom is the BEST there ever was - I DO know what it's like to feel rejection. My father kidnapped me after abusing me for 11 years... and the abuse was when he was forced to see me at all, he had no desire to most of the time. And although it's important for abuse survivors to be careful in their parenting in order to prevent the cycle of abuse from continuing, I know that my past will make me a BETTER parent - I know what to do & what not to do with kids. When I spent a summer caring for my toddler nephew 24/7, these beliefs were confirmed. I found my weaknesses - I AM easily frustrated - but I also figured out how to effectively deal with them without harming the child. And as much as I love my nephew (more than I can put into words, more than I knew possible), I imagine I'll love my own child even more.
Imagine what an orphan goes through... aside from the abandonment issues, whether they were given up out of love or not:
- nobody to care for them when they're sick
- no one to tuck them in at night
- nobody to celebrate their birthday
- no presents for birthdays or even a card for holidays
- wondering if you'll be warm that night
- wearing clothes that don't fit & are probably literally worn to pieces, passed down from many orphans before you
- never having anything new
- having NOTHING to call your own
- wondering what will happen when you "age out" and are on the streets, alone
- not having anyone to help with your homework or ask how your day was
- having people look at you as potential parents, only to REJECT YOU because you don't fit the picture they have in their head (or feeling that way even if they are being led away from you by God)
- having NOBODY to teach you about the Christian life and hold you accountable to it, helping you in your growth
- not having any pictures of yourself as a baby or your mother when she was pregnant
- sometimes not even knowing our biological parents' names or what they looked like, let alone family history
- not having a family OR unconditional love... can you imagine???
There's a lot more to it than that... these are just some of the things I thought of off the top of my head. Why would I insist on having a biological child when there are so many children who need a loving mother? And not all of those things will go away when a child is adopted... but some of them can be helped, some of the wounds can be healed.
Please understand that I'm not saying it's wrong to want biological children - I'm sure there are many blessings that come with that, and it's special in its own way. As a biological daughter, I love knowing where my blue eyes, blond hair, and light skin came from. I LOVE hearing my Mom tell me about her pregnancy & my birth.
For me, God willing, adoption isn't Plan B - it's Plan A. For now, it's the ONLY plan. I have a love for orphans and that's why I'm majoring in Social Work with plans to go into Child Protective Services (to help kids the way I wished someone would've helped me) and eventually to work in Moscow, Russia with a church that's already told me about a "job" for me there that allows me to work with the orphans there. If God heals me, that's where I want to go, once I'm well enough to finish my last year of college. But whatever the future holds, if I'm healed to the point that I can care for children of my own, I want them to come from somewhere other than my own body.
I don't think I've spoken this candidly about something so personal before. Yes, I've written about my battles with depression, anorexia, self-injury, and my suicide attempt, as well as my past... but I'm so used to talking about it that those things hardly seem personal anymore. I'm extremely open, but this makes me feel rather vulnerable for some reason.
If I've worded any of this in a way that hurts you, please let me know (in a respectful manner) and I'll consider rewording it. I won't apologize for what I've said, but I may apologize for how I've said it if you can point something out - I don't want to hurt people who struggle with wanting a child of their own but not being able to have one. If you can approach me in a mature, respectful way, I'll respond in kind. :-)
If any of you have any questions, I'm open to them... about this or anything else. :-)
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Showing Symptoms...
Please be praying that I get better soon, as I'm showing symptoms of Swine Flu after being exposed last week. There isn't anything anyone can really do right now - if I develop pneumonia then I'd be hospitalized but other than that, it's a virus, you can only treat the symptoms. When I got pneumonia as a child I recovered after just a couple days in the hospital, but I tend to get viruses worse than other people - the "seasonal flu" left me with a fever over 104 more than once, which obviously is dangerous. And because of my shunt, if I get a fever, it's off to the hospital to get scans to check for malfunction & tests to check for infection.
Mostly I'm scared of being in isolation. I stayed home today from my Pain Management class because I don't want to expose people, so right now I'm not a risk to anyone except my family (unfortunately, I feel really guilty about exposing them). And I'm not gonna go out unless it's to the doctor, so if there's an outbreak, it's not cuz of me.
Please be praying... I'm really sick. And a little scared. My Mom came in to my room this morning to tell me goodbye when she left for work, and she TOTALLY FREAKED OUT because apparently my coloring was awful & I've been "wheezing" when I breathe (not really wheezing like with asthma, but like a rattling in my chest) so I woke up to "Michelle, wake up! What's wrong?" and questions about painkiller overdoses - that's how bad I looked, and it takes a lot to rattle my Mom after all she's seen me go through.
I'll update when/if I can...
Mostly I'm scared of being in isolation. I stayed home today from my Pain Management class because I don't want to expose people, so right now I'm not a risk to anyone except my family (unfortunately, I feel really guilty about exposing them). And I'm not gonna go out unless it's to the doctor, so if there's an outbreak, it's not cuz of me.
Please be praying... I'm really sick. And a little scared. My Mom came in to my room this morning to tell me goodbye when she left for work, and she TOTALLY FREAKED OUT because apparently my coloring was awful & I've been "wheezing" when I breathe (not really wheezing like with asthma, but like a rattling in my chest) so I woke up to "Michelle, wake up! What's wrong?" and questions about painkiller overdoses - that's how bad I looked, and it takes a lot to rattle my Mom after all she's seen me go through.
I'll update when/if I can...
Friday, May 1, 2009
Swine Flu & Shunt Malfunction
Medically-speaking, I'm in a LOT of trouble.
First, I was just exposed to Swine Flu. Now, you may react like my Mom and say, "But Michelle, there aren't any confirmed cases in your area." Well, that's because this case I was exposed to isn't CDC confirmed... it IS confirmed through a blood test done at my doctor's office. So now, if I develop symptoms, I'm in trouble.
Why, you ask?
Where do I even start?
There's the fact that I need to be "surgery ready" at all times - ready to go into emergency brain surgery in case something's wrong with my shunt, as shunt malfunction or infection can kill in 24 hours.
There's the fact that my head ALWAYS hurts, so if I happen to get a fever, we won't know if it's shunt or Swine Flu - meaning I may go in for emergency surgery unnecessarily.
And then there's the fact that I'll end up in the hospital for ANY symptoms of anything in order to make sure they can get me into surgery before I'm in a coma if it comes to that.
So the bedridden girl who never leaves home got exposed to Swine Flu. I leave my house and this is what happens. :-P
I still believe... but, Lord, please give me a break!
First, I was just exposed to Swine Flu. Now, you may react like my Mom and say, "But Michelle, there aren't any confirmed cases in your area." Well, that's because this case I was exposed to isn't CDC confirmed... it IS confirmed through a blood test done at my doctor's office. So now, if I develop symptoms, I'm in trouble.
Why, you ask?
Where do I even start?
There's the fact that I need to be "surgery ready" at all times - ready to go into emergency brain surgery in case something's wrong with my shunt, as shunt malfunction or infection can kill in 24 hours.
There's the fact that my head ALWAYS hurts, so if I happen to get a fever, we won't know if it's shunt or Swine Flu - meaning I may go in for emergency surgery unnecessarily.
And then there's the fact that I'll end up in the hospital for ANY symptoms of anything in order to make sure they can get me into surgery before I'm in a coma if it comes to that.
So the bedridden girl who never leaves home got exposed to Swine Flu. I leave my house and this is what happens. :-P
I still believe... but, Lord, please give me a break!
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