Brain Surgery & preparations...

Today during my Pre-Op conference with the hospital I was "highly encouraged" to finalize my Advance Care Directive & will. This has brought the reality of my situation to the front of my mind, rather than it being something I can simply push back without a second thought.

I've survived 11 years of abuse... being held in another country for a month thinking each day would be my last... a lifetime of illness... a decade of DAILY migraines... 2 years of this new disease... 3 brain surgeries in 24 months.

Just one more mountain... for now.

I'm 24. I am a year's worth of college away from a Social Work degree. I've worked with kids at my church for years. There's so much more that I THINK I can do... but the bottom line is that maybe God's plans aren't mine. Maybe things won't go as we hope. Or maybe they will.

Strangely, I think back to my time as a gymnast. You really do learn a lot about life in that sport - you learn about determination, perseverance, bouncing back from a fall, trying until you succeed, doing what you think is impossible. Some things came VERY easily for me - like with Vault, I could always do new skills almost immediately. Most of the girls in my group strongly disliked running full speed towards a stationary metal object & flinging themselves over it, but I loved it. Other things, like Bars, weren't so easy. I was levels ahead in vaulting, but a couple behind on bars. No rhyme or reason, just some things were harder for me personally than others. Some girls couldn't vault to save their lives but could swing bars no problem.

We're all different. Our strengths & weaknesses, our trials, are not the same as any other person's. That's part of what makes each of us unique.

This is my path.

Right now, I'm back at Bars. Feels impossible, but I'll either conquer it or (literally) die trying. I know it sounds like a stupid comparison, but it's what I know.

I've got too much to fight for to simply give up. It's very tempting to just decline treatment until it kills me so I can escape the physical trials, but that would be such a waste, and my family needs me to keep fighting. I'm tired but I won't rest.

At this time 48 hours from now, if all goes as well as possible, I'll be laying in the hospital, hopefully off the ventilator & sedated. Head partially shaved, at least a half-foot incision across my head, wires & tubes all over, bandages making me look like a mummy.

I've written out what to do if I don't wake up like I should or I can't get off the ventilator, in hopes of making decisions easier for my parents. I've secretly written out basics of a funeral to take that off of them. Not because I expect to go Home, but because I was encouraged that it would be good to be prepared & I want to take as much weight off of them as I can. But I've also written that ultimately God is in control of this situation, and that if my family needs time to come to certain decisions, they can take it - I don't want to be selfish.

A lot to think about at 24 years old. Then again, I've faced more in these 24 years than most, so I guess I'm better prepared for it.

Tonight I talked with my Mom about decisions to make if something goes wrong, and funeral decisions in case God calls me Home. Talk about a difficult conversation! Was definitely harder for her than for me though...

So I'm supposed to be admitted to the surgery center at the hospital in exactly 36 hours...

Time to fight.