Painful Memory...

Today I am haunted.

Haunted and in so much pain.

Today, a girl in California turns 25 years old. Just 3 years ago, on this day, I put all I could into making it a special day for her, one she'd never forget.

After all, she was my best friend. My sister, by bond if not by blood.

On that day, she woke up to gifts I'd brought into her room (we lived next door to each other in our college dorm). I told her we'd do whatever she wanted that day, and it was all on me. Throughout the day, if she saw something she liked, I'd buy it for her. I put a lot of thought into the gifts I'd given, and saved up money for MONTHS to make her a special offer.

She could choose 1 of 3 things: an iPod, a flight to Florida to see her fiance, or I'd fly her other best friend out from California to our Ohio college to spend time with her, every single cost on me, with full use of my car (to which she had the spare set of keys anyway).

That night, we went to dinner at her favorite Ohio restaurant. She thanked me for making her day memorable, and said that I was the ONLY friend who'd offered to do anything with her. It was a day I was thankful to have with her, and thankful God gave me the resources to be able to do it.

Now, let me make one thing perfectly clear: when I list all the things I did, it is NOT to brag, NOT to pat myself on the back, NOT to make me look good. I'm being specific about sharing these things for one reason:

25 months ago, this girl suddenly stopped talking to me, and overnight, for reasons I still do not know, I lost my best friend.

One of the things she said in the email she sent to get rid of me was that I was using her. USING HER. If you've got a short memory, go re-read what all I did for her birthday. Then tell me I was using her! If THAT is what using someone is, I sure wish someone would use me! And to be clear, I realize that material gifts/possessions are not what friendship's about. According to her, I was her ONLY friend to learn so much about her disease - Diabetes - and act on it. I wrote letters to lawmakers, attended rallies, and drove 1000-mile round-trips multiple times to participate in fundraising walks. When her grandfather died, I risked my life and disobeyed my doctors to travel to her when she asked me to. On the first anniversary of his death, I set the day aside to help her do whatever she needed in order to get through the day. I was there, no matter what, with everything in me. And I loved every moment of it, even the hard ones.

I'd never claim that I didn't make mistakes in our friendship - EVERYONE makes mistakes in EVERY relationship, whether it be with a friend, parent, sibling, spouse, anyone. But I deserved more. I deserved to be told when something was wrong, what the problem was, and given a chance to fix it. But I wasn't.

I cannot begin to explain the pain she has caused. If you are a regular reader of my blog, you know that I've been kidnapped, I was abused for over a decade, I was rejected by not one but TWO fathers and other family members. I know pain.

Yet NONE of that even came close to comparing to the pain of losing her.

She knew how hard it was for me to let her in. She knew that losing her would damage my heart beyond comprehension. And she also knew that I was mentally unstable, I was sick, and the ironic thing is that when she did this, I was getting better. The REAL me, the "old" me, was coming back, and she knew this - she said so herself the last time I saw her. She said in that last email that she wasn't breaking promises, but I've got her written words proving otherwise. And promises aside, this is just wrong. It's not how you treat people. And worst of all, she's a Christian - how does a Christian CHOOSE to hold a grudge & withhold forgiveness and reconciliation for life? Without even attempting a single time to make things right, not just in the eyes of each other, but in the eyes of God?

Today, I remember. I remember everything I loved about her, the good memories, the laughs, the adventures. I remember that birthday, and how excited I was to spend the day making her happy & making memories I thought we'd both treasure.

But I also remember suddenly not hearing from her, her hanging up on me the moment she heard my voice, and, after 2 months & 1 day of that torture, an email coming saying she was gone, without ever really explaining why.

And I allow the tears to fall, unable to hold them back any longer.

I remember the betrayal, the rejection, the confusion, the pain that is still fresh in my heart even though it's been just over 2 years.

And I somehow find the strength to send an email saying simply this: "Happy birthday! love you & praying for you... miss you, sis."

I don't know if that email address is even valid, and I know she won't open it even if it is... but I send it anyway, desperate to somehow mark this day.

And then I take a deep breath, wipe the tears from my cheeks, and try to distract myself... only to feel fresh tears on my face moments later.

Will the pain ever go away? Does she realize what she's done? Will I have to wait until we're in Heaven to look her in the eyes again?