The Funeral

Despite the anger I am currently overwhelmed with, I know that one day it will lessen and the love I have for my uncle will overcome it. And when that time comes, I know I will REALLY regret not having a record of this time. So... I'm going to take a TIME OUT from being angry and write about the day we said goodbye.

My Mom had been staying with Grandma in Arlington (about 20 miles from our home) since the police knocked on the door, so when I was riding up to Arlington the morning of the funeral with my stepdad E & sister S, I was in the back seat alone with my headphones on. I LOVE listening to music that expressed my emotions when words fail, so I couldn't understand why it wasn't helping at all. I took the headphones off & listened to the conversation between E & S. They were discussing the service, which E was officiating (he was a pastor & is now a chaplain) and I heard my sister say something about my Mom's speech. I knew S was going to say a few words, but then I realized that I was the only one NOT saying anything.

"Well why can't I say something, too?"

Without hesitation, E said, "You're welcome to."

So about 5 miles from Arlington, I started to think of what I'd say & wrote down a few points on the index cards I always keep in my purse for writing Scriptures or reminders. Upon arrival at my Grandma's apartment, I informed my Mom that I'd be speaking. She was surprised but happy. Grandma was happy about it too, although I'm ashamed to admit I tried to limit our conversation because what do you say to someone you love who has 4 types of cancer & has lost their firstborn, their only son, their primary caretaker, their neighbor in the building?

Anyway, usually I am TERRIFIED of public speaking. We're talking, I once had to lean against a wall while I gave a speech to 4 people - FOUR PEOPLE, folks! - because I was so afraid. Thankfully God gave me a ministry with my testimony & allowed me to speak in front of hundreds on a couple of occasions about the most intimate details of my life. But somehow that seemed different, although I've no idea why. So I was a bit surprised I'd not only decided to do this, but to do it on a moment's (okay, an hour's) notice.

I didn't practice. Not once. Not a single time did I practice putting my thoughts into words.

And now I was going to get up in front of not only my immediate & extended family, but friends of the family, coworkers of family members, and half the Arlington County Sheriff's Office seemed to be there including the Sheriff herself which meant more to my Mom than we could put into words.

S went first, choked up a little partway through the poem she was reading, but did wonderfully as we knew she would. Then was my Mom, and it was basically the same, although hers was about sharing things my uncle loved about each of us in the immediate family. Then it was my turn.

God REALLY came through! There is NO WAY I could've gotten through that alone, but I was able to only need to pause once and even had people LAUGHING! I guess being a smart aleck comes in handy sometimes after all... ;-)

Then it was back in the limo & off to the cemetery. We had a police escort that was larger than usual so it wasn't a very long ride. It struck me that this was the exact same thing my biological father was doing when he was nearly killed in the line of duty as an Arlington police officer when I was just 1 year old. The local media even reported him KILLED he was so bad off!!!!! He was doing an escort, came off a ramp onto a local highway (a dangerous proposition on any day, DC drivers are horrendous) and someone didn't bother to slow down before plowing into his motorcycle & sending him on a free flight.

Anyway, so we got to the cemetery where we buried my Grandpa 10 years prior. It was nice to visit the site & be there with him again, as my uncle was on the other side of the headstone (like they were head to head with the stone in between). We were seated up front & the whole thing LITERALLY took 5 minutes. As they prepared to lower him into the ground my Grandma knelt at his casket & wept. I had to hold my Mom up because seeing her Mom like that was just too much. Then I realized that if I didn't get out of there I was going to be the one needing reassurance, and it was my job to be brave that day. So I knelt down, said a prayer, took a flower, kissed the head of the casket, and ran.

I'm sure people thought that was odd, but my family knew what was going on & let it go. I ran down the familiar hill & the limo driver jumped out to get the door for me so I literally dove into the limo, laid on my stomach, put my head in my hands and wept.

Then it was off to the lunch at Olive Garden. You try having 100 people to a restaurant & see how well it goes! But I must say, it went as well as such a thing can go. I guess the exhaustion & emotion caught up to me, because I started to fall asleep while eating. After I proceeded to nearly choke, I excused myself & went to the limo. I remember sitting & then I remember waking up an hour later when the rest of the family was ready to leave, I was so tired I was asleep before I was even laying down.

There are more details but they will have to come another day... this is as much as I can handle at the moment. At least it's a start. Baby steps...