Like I Said...

Like I said in my last post, I knew I wouldn't always feel the way I felt at that time. Truth be told, some of those feelings & thoughts are still very much a part of me right now - but I also have room for logic and compassion now. There is so much to process, so much to work through, but last night I journaled and it seemed to help. The journal I keep is not the kind I had growing up, it's basically writing to God. Not really prayers exactly, just writing to Him almost like in a conversation. While I was at Cedarville University (my beloved Christ-centered college, where I spent 3 years before being forced to take medical leave so that my medical team could do more for me) we had Chapel every single weekday. It was mandatory, and I LOVED it! It was about 45 minutes each day, and the entire student body - about 3200, give or take 100 - was there along with most of the faculty. We opened in prayer, then had some praise & worship time with a couple songs, and most days this was followed by approximately half an hour of speaking by a guest.

One particular Chapel that shook me to my core was the Aunt & Uncle of Rachel Joy Scott - the Columbine victim who was on fire for the Lord! Her family shared that Rachel kept journals that were conversations with her God, and I thought that was an AWESOME idea so I went to the campus bookstore that very day & bought myself a brand new journal. I've had several since then, but they are at the heart of my "God time" with the obvious exception of my Bible, of course that's the main thing.

Anyway, last night I vented to God. I told Him that I was not pleased with everything going on... and then I realized that I was complaining to a God who had blessed me beyond anything I could ever be worthy of receiving. Yes, what I'm going through is hard. No, it isn't fun. Yes, I wish it would be over or even just disappear. But that's okay... the important thing is that I confessed to God what I was feeling & thinking. He already knew - He knows EVERYTHING, including the thoughts & feelings within me - but He asks that we share those with Him anyway. So I did, and it felt good. So good, in fact, that I think I will go do that again right now.

Sorry to just end the post like that, but I really feel like God is guiding me to write in that journal at the moment, and to ignore Him would be foolish. I'll blog more later... for now, it's time to continue writing not to the world at large but to my Father. :-)