Traces of a sisterhood...

It has been 5 years since I lost my best friend, and the traces I find of her in my life are still present. Over the years I have gone through nearly every human emotion regarding this loss... we went from calling each other "sister" and "I'll call you when I get home tonight" to 2 months of silence which ends with an email ending the friendship. No real explanation, no conversation, no answers... just what is probably the deepest wound my heart has faced thus far, and having gone through all I have, that's saying a lot. Breaking up with my boyfriend didn't even hurt this badly because this person taught me to trust again, then became the exact thing I'd been afraid of all along.

It has caused me to second guess every single relationship I have. My judgment was beyond off with someone who knew me better than anyone on earth - I trusted her completely. The pain of that rejection and not having any resolution still resonates, so I am desperate to avoid it happening again and I am constantly wondering if I should let anyone in at all.

These 5 years have seen a lot of changes. Just 6 months after this happened, I was diagnosed with a lifelong, life-threatening condition which means I will be having brain surgeries for the rest of my life and could suffer a fatal complication at any time without warning. That in itself brings a lot of perspective and brings things into focus in a way you simply can't imagine until you realize you are in real danger of living a shortened life. I have prayed... oh, how I have prayed!... about what went wrong with this person. And I've got a few answers!

I will be the first to admit that I was not easy to handle at the time, and that there are things which should've changed. What I don't understand is that things WERE improving when this happened! I'd finally been diagnosed with a chemical imbalance in my brain which caused me to be not only depressed but anxious & irrational. In addition, we found out my brain was being crushed from the inside which obviously has ramifications. Also, because I'd been so damaged as a child and this person had taught me to trust, I regressed somewhat in my emotional connections.

The problem is, I KNEW things were off. And I continually brought that up to her - "Are you sure about this?" or "Is this too much for you to deal with" (referring to helping me through issues) and things like that. She insisted I was wrong, and because I KNEW I was so sick, I decided to continue trusting her and accept what she said. My reasoning was that I was very sick & confused, she wasn't, so I must be wrong.

How deeply I regret that!

Now that those issues are resolved, I know how to have boundaries. I know my limits. I know how to deal with problems. In a way, I can understand why we needed some space from each other. However...

...what I will NEVER understand is why there was not ONE SINGLE CONVERSATION about any of this. One night I never heard from her, then that was it until a week later when I got an email saying something about I better be honest, then 2 months later I got an email ending the friendship, forbidding me from ever contacting her again, and saying all sorts of horrible things which simply weren't true. And just to be 100% sure I wasn't believing that simply because I wanted to, I had my therapist go through everything with me and although she did point out my flaws, she agreed that what my friend had done was incorrect and wrong on many levels. She actually met her one time during one of my sessions, as she wanted to know what she could do to help me get through my rough patch. (Yeah, went from that level of friendship to what happened in 3 & a half months. Confused? Me too.)

Deep down, I still care deeply. By this person's how admission, I've done more to fight her disease (Diabetes) than anyone else in her life - parents, sister, decade-long best friend, husband, anyone. I've driven 1,000 miles in 36 hours to do a 2-mile walk/fundraiser for the American Diabetes Association. I did a 12-mile bike ride, 2 other annual walks, and another bike ride, all fundraising for research. When her & her husband (then fiancee) came to my house over Fall Break, I arranged to get tickets to the National Symphony Orchestra at the Kennedy Center in D.C. for all of us to go to, even though I HATE that kind of thing, simply because her husband was majoring in music & I knew he'd enjoy it. (Sounds like I'm really using her, right?) When her grandfather died, I risked my life and came back to campus against medical advice to be there for her. When her husband spent a semester in Florida, I offered to fly her down to see him. I offered to fly her other best friend out from California to visit her & give them the use of my car. Heck, during that last year at college together, I GAVE her the spare set of keys to my car & she used it more than I did! She also used my cell phone frequently.

This isn't a tit-for-tat. It's not about what I've done or what she did (and she did do a lot for me as well). It's simply stating that there was a lot given on BOTH sides and I still don't know what happened. Some days I'm at peace with that... others, it's all I can do to keep from crying through the day. What hurts the most is knowing she probably doesn't care because clearly she was angry about something and hates me (despite saying otherwise - saying you still love someone doesn't matter if you act in a manner which reflects the opposite). The man I was in a relationship with last year asked me who I'd want in my wedding... and her name still came up right after my sisters' names. I see a reminder of our inside jokes or shared experiences and it still sends a pain through my heart. I guess a lot of that comes because we lived together for a year in the dorm (and for 2 other years we lived on campus together) so it's even deeper than a friendship where you only see them a few hours at a time. I'm sure many of you ladies have had similar, sister-like friendships from your own college experiences if you lived in a dorm with your friends.

Any of you ever had a friendship end in something like this? How has God healed you, how has He used it, and what do you still need to work through? Also, if any of you need prayer for anything, please let me know! I will be posting regularly again... I'll try to explain why I haven't been writing in another post, as this one is already quite lengthy.

Talk to you soon!