Post-Op Post

As tomorrow is 2 months since my latest brain surgery, I wanted to let you all know that I will be uploading pictures (hopefully) and doing a series of posts about all that happened in the coming days! Things did NOT go to plan AT ALL and there was a real danger for a couple days that I might not be coming home, but in the end God worked some miracles & although recovery has been very slow & extra painful, I'm making progress.

Although I've not been writing entries I HAVE been keeping up with other blogs & even posting comments, so I'm fairly up to date on everything going on with those of you who blog regularly.

The camera we had at the hospital this time was not the usual one so I'm unsure about the quality of the pictures or how to get them on here, but if I figure it out I'll be sure to share. Of course part of me hesitates because there's not much more vulnerable of a time to be photographed, but I think it's important to make the stories I write about it come alive... because you cannot appreciate just how much God has done unless you know the whole picture & see just how big and how serious things were.

Thanks for your prayers & support - I look forward to sharing with you all the whole story very soon! :-)

Brain Surgery & preparations...

Today during my Pre-Op conference with the hospital I was "highly encouraged" to finalize my Advance Care Directive & will. This has brought the reality of my situation to the front of my mind, rather than it being something I can simply push back without a second thought.

I've survived 11 years of abuse... being held in another country for a month thinking each day would be my last... a lifetime of illness... a decade of DAILY migraines... 2 years of this new disease... 3 brain surgeries in 24 months.

Just one more mountain... for now.

I'm 24. I am a year's worth of college away from a Social Work degree. I've worked with kids at my church for years. There's so much more that I THINK I can do... but the bottom line is that maybe God's plans aren't mine. Maybe things won't go as we hope. Or maybe they will.

Strangely, I think back to my time as a gymnast. You really do learn a lot about life in that sport - you learn about determination, perseverance, bouncing back from a fall, trying until you succeed, doing what you think is impossible. Some things came VERY easily for me - like with Vault, I could always do new skills almost immediately. Most of the girls in my group strongly disliked running full speed towards a stationary metal object & flinging themselves over it, but I loved it. Other things, like Bars, weren't so easy. I was levels ahead in vaulting, but a couple behind on bars. No rhyme or reason, just some things were harder for me personally than others. Some girls couldn't vault to save their lives but could swing bars no problem.

We're all different. Our strengths & weaknesses, our trials, are not the same as any other person's. That's part of what makes each of us unique.

This is my path.

Right now, I'm back at Bars. Feels impossible, but I'll either conquer it or (literally) die trying. I know it sounds like a stupid comparison, but it's what I know.

I've got too much to fight for to simply give up. It's very tempting to just decline treatment until it kills me so I can escape the physical trials, but that would be such a waste, and my family needs me to keep fighting. I'm tired but I won't rest.

At this time 48 hours from now, if all goes as well as possible, I'll be laying in the hospital, hopefully off the ventilator & sedated. Head partially shaved, at least a half-foot incision across my head, wires & tubes all over, bandages making me look like a mummy.

I've written out what to do if I don't wake up like I should or I can't get off the ventilator, in hopes of making decisions easier for my parents. I've secretly written out basics of a funeral to take that off of them. Not because I expect to go Home, but because I was encouraged that it would be good to be prepared & I want to take as much weight off of them as I can. But I've also written that ultimately God is in control of this situation, and that if my family needs time to come to certain decisions, they can take it - I don't want to be selfish.

A lot to think about at 24 years old. Then again, I've faced more in these 24 years than most, so I guess I'm better prepared for it.

Tonight I talked with my Mom about decisions to make if something goes wrong, and funeral decisions in case God calls me Home. Talk about a difficult conversation! Was definitely harder for her than for me though...

So I'm supposed to be admitted to the surgery center at the hospital in exactly 36 hours...

Time to fight.

Brain Surgery #3...

...in exactly 24 months.

My third Christmas just having had major brain surgery.

Long blond hair shaved for family pictures.

If I'm stable enough, on Thursday morning, I'll be admitted to the hospital for brain surgery & possible abdominal surgery. They won't know until I'm in the Operating Room (OR) what all is damaged.

The only fear I feel is for my family. If something happens & God calls me Home, I don't mind as far as my own life... what I fear for is the people I'd leave behind. It's getting easier with each surgery, although this time the unknowns make it a little harder to deal with.

I've tried to live my life in such a way that I have no regrets. Of course, at 24, I've made mistakes - some of them bigger than others - but for the most part, I have closure with everything...

...except one thing. Losing my best friend, literally overnight, 35 months ago and never knowing why. She refuses to answer questions or speak to me, even online, and we were like sisters. I fought for her so she wouldn't have to face her Diabetes alone, did everything I could to be a good friend, and that loss still haunts me. I LITERALLY have nightmares almost every night.

When I'm being wheeled into the OR for the 3rd time in just under 2 years, facing brain surgery that could go a number of ways, that's what I'll be asking for peace on. That one thing that I still have no closure about... wondering why, but also knowing 100% for sure in my heart that I've done EVERYTHING I can possibly do on my side, and there's nothing left for me to do other than continue praying for a miracle, that one day I'll get answers and maybe God will heal her heart enough to repair our friendship. I feel sad for her because you don't just do that for no reason, but at the same time, I'm sad for me that I'm going into brain surgery & someone who was supposed to be a sister to me is the one person who is making me head into that OR unable to be completely at rest.

Any prayers would be greatly appreciated. If I go into surgery Thursday morning, you won't hear from me til I'm discharged & able to type. If I'm not stable enough & it's pushed back, I'll let you all know when the new date is.

Remembering Taylor...

...the sister I never got to know.

Taylor is the baby girl my parents lost when I was one. Her death made way for our sister S's life.

On this National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance/Awareness Day, I remember her and all the playmates she has up at our Father's throne.

You haven't been forgotten, baby girl... I can't wait to meet you in Heaven. Mommy and I talked about you today and agreed that we will know you as soon as we see you, even though I've never seen your face. What a day that will be, when I meet my little sister after all this time!

Your big sister,
Michelle

Forgive... but forget?

Just wanted to let you all know that I'm not dead & I'll be posting again very soon! Things have been rough around here and I haven't been able to put coherent thoughts together and get them written out, but I'm working on a few posts that I'll start getting up here soon.

One of the things I'm writing about is the whole "forgive & forget" concept. We are Biblically commanded to forgive... and when God forgives us, He does so completely, keeping no record of what we've done wrong. In a world that tells us we deserve the best and should practically be worshiped, how do we put this into practice? I'm not sure I have the answer to that, but I'm working on a post to share my thoughts, simply because it's something I'm REALLY struggling with at the moment, for so many reasons, in so many ways.

Praying for each of you whose blog I follow & those who have left comments. See you again soon!

Want to kill our troops?

Or perhaps just wound them? Or, you know, scare them so bad they have nightmares the rest of their lives?

Then join in that Florida church's 9/11 quran burning!

Seriously, as tempting as the whole idea may have sounded at first, the government is warning that this is going to lead to attacks on our troops for revenge. And there's already been a protest in Afghanistan with burning of the American flag & everything.

Anyone who knows me or reads my blog KNOWS how much 9/11 affected me. Revenge? Bring it on! But seriously, to CHOOSE to do something that you KNOW will lead to OTHERS losing their loved ones simply so you can get some sick thrill out of burning that book? Can you IMAGINE the anxiety & pain those families are feeling knowing that their fellow Americans are CHOOSING to put their loved ones in danger this September 11th?

I don't know which is worse, the hijackers or those who choose to put our troops in further danger while they're away from their families protecting that same person's freedoms.

"So they can bury you when it's over."

It was 2003, and the last extreme hurricane to hit the U.S. was Hurricane Andrew.

I was just starting my senior year of high school, and I remember the week leading up to Hurricane Isabel so clearly. At first, it was just another hurricane that would hit the Carolinas, travel up the coast, and we'd get some rain, wind, and maybe a few tornadoes. But then... one day... it all changed.

"Local authorities are now advising residents who choose to ignore the evacuation recommendations to write their Social Security numbers on their arms in permanent marker. This will allow workers to quickly and positively identify their bodies for burial after the hurricane has passed."

Umm... WHAT?!

The radio announcer MUST be playing a joke... and it certainly isn't funny!

That was the moment I truly became afraid. We'd had hurricanes before, but NEVER had something like this been said.

At school, I asked my Physics teacher what would happen if the hurricane hit at its current strength (Category 5). He said, "Well, there won't be any houses left."

Great.

We went to the store & stocked up on the essentials, including food that would keep without a fridge & could be eaten without being cooked. We got waterproof flashlights, making sure to get "floaty" attachments so we wouldn't lose them in flooding.

Ultimately, Hurricane Isabel hit as a Category 2. It wasn't a fun experience, but certainly nothing we couldn't ride out, and with underground power lines, we never even lost power for more than a few seconds. The neighborhood was a MESS, and I got some great pictures for my scrapbook, but it wasn't a big deal.

But for those few days... it seemed like the world was going to end once that hurricane got here. We dodged a bullet... the people affected by Hurricane Katrina weren't so lucky.

It's hard to believe it's been 5 years. Five years since something happened that will NEVER leave the memories of those who lived it, something that can define someone from New Orleans as much as 9/11 is a part of me. On 9/11, I thought the world was ending & I'd have no family by the end of the day... that was my Katrina. This was their 9/11.

Don't forget the people affected by that storm. Just like with 9/11, all the country was touched, but only those there can TRULY comprehend what happened. And a lot of those people lost EVERYTHING. How do you recover & rebuild when everything around you is gone as well? When the very institutions that are supposed to help in a crisis are themselves destroyed?

Pray for the victims as they continue to pick up the pieces. And pray that God softens your heart to the hurting so that we never forget.